To all brides everywhere: Wedding gift registries and things to keep in mind.

Our wedding day. 

Today I had a customer come in to purchase a gift certificate.  She had me gift wrap it and while she was waiting for me to get it all wrapped up, she told me about the shower.  She said that the invite to the shower mentioned something to the effect of, "To save you time shopping, we'll be having a money tree at the shower instead."

Oh, I wish that someone took a picture of my face.

I waited for the customer to come back with a response and it was that the mother said she was purchasing a gift, too.  When I got her gift all finished, I wished her a good day and referred to her as "you rebel you."  She snickered.

What I did discuss with her was about the fact that I consider a gift registry to be a suggestion and not a list of demands.

There.

I said it.

To all of the gift registrants out there, I will repeat--               a wedding registry is NOT a list of demands.

When you are getting married, you register because that is what is expected of you.  (Most people, though there are always exceptions.)  You go around.  You get starry-eyed.  You are in control of the scan gun.  You are wielding the gift registry power!  You think of how awesome this, that or the other will be.  You cringe at things that won't perfectly match.  I understand that you will get wonky gifts that were not on the registry.  Oddballs that we received were:

1.  Beautiful Victoria's Secret lingerie and silk robe from people who knew my parents well but didn't know me that well at all.  Despite that, I (er, hmm-- we) still have both.  They are delightful.
2.  A cheese hatchet.  I swear that's what it was called.  Even more, it was old and used.  We still have it.  We found it hilarious.
3.  A telephone.  A wall phone.  With a cord.  Honestly, that was in and very usable then.  We still returned it since we didn't need it.

Still, I shared with her the shower invite and following wedding invitation of many years ago.  When we went to the first Baptist church that we attended-- my childhood church-- there was a family that attended.  The children weren't my age and the family was a bit different than us.  We were cordial, but not buddy-buddy.  I was invited to the shower.  At the time, I had lost my job so a friend and I went together and made a gift basket.  I admit that my friend carried most of the financial weight, but we were very low cost.  She knew our financial state at the time.  Soon after, the wedding invitation came. Now, up until the shower, I hadn't see this girl in years.  She was living in Virginia and all.  When I opened the invitation, a slip of paper flew out that stated, "Because everyone was so very generous with our shower, we're set for everything we need, so we're requesting cash gifts to start our marriage out."  (I should add that the wedding was in Virginia and obviously she knew that all of the folks from the years of church directories were not going to be in attendance.)

I sent a card giving our congratulations.  I sent no money, no cash, no check.

This is where I'm very tacky in suggesting that people have:

1.  A wedding that you can afford.
2.  It is not a fundraiser.
3.  It is not the guest's responsibility to give you cash enough to cover your expenses of inviting them.  Not all guests are able to give a gift.  Especially in these financial times, some people bring a card.  I received a few with no money and I appreciated the card.  We loved that the people who attended came.  Their being with us was present enough.  We knew that they couldn't afford anything and that was fine with us.  Have a wedding that you can afford so that the marriage doesn't start eyeball deep in debt for the great party that you threw.  Then you don't have to race to open the envelopes and lose sleep over whether you raised enough cash.
4.  It is not up to the guests to pay for your honeymoon.  (See number 1.)  There was a bride who was telling me (while attending her shower) that if people didn't give enough cash, they wouldn't be able to go on a honeymoon.  This was a bride who, with the groom, scheduled to have a rather grand affair and one that was -- we'll be polite -- a lot more than they could given their financial state and was more of a "keeping up with the Jones'" type of event.  She and the groom did go on a honeymoon-- to Grand Cayman.  She must have spoken to enough people in attendance of her shower.  (I gave a gift and no cash.)  It was very awkward. However, I can understand the flip side that sometimes a couple has everything.  How do you handle that request tactfully?  I just have never seen someone do that successfully.

While I'm on a bit of a bridal tangent, could y'all please address your own envelopes and write thank yous?  Yes, a handwritten thank you is necessary.  I know it takes time that you might not have but please keep the following in mind:
-  The guest probably attended a shower for you.
-  The guest attended your wedding and took time out of their life to celebrate with you.
-  You obviously have their address to send them an invite, so you have it for the envelope.  I admit that I went to a "write your own envelope" party and I didn't fill out an envelope as a bit of a test.  (I know, people are busy and I probably shouldn't have done it, but I wondered.)  As I suspected, all who wrote an envelope received a thank you.  Those who didn't write out an envelope did not.
-  They gave you gifts that, most of the time, they carefully chose and spent their hard earned money on.
-  If a photo thank you is something you want to do, super.  Please feel free to write a handwritten thank you and include that in the envelope.  It is necessary to recognize those gifts from your wedding with more than a photo or an e-mail or -- worse-- nothing.  A pre-printed thank you only for your wedding is tacky.  Don't go there.  Personalize the darned thing!

I was the assistant manager of a wedding boutique for a few years.  Stories of brides and finances were enough to curl my already curly hair.

Be nice.

Be appreciative.

Be affording the affair that you throw.   It is the marriage that is the ultimate gift of this party that you are throwing.  Please keep that in mind.

*  Our photographer gave us proofs then took off, so this is a copy of a copy.  I do have the original of this photo, but I didn't feel like digging it out of the closet.  I took the copy off of the refrigerator.  Most important thing?  We both said I DO and have stayed married for 16 1/2 years-- and counting!