New folks in training: Spreading some love.

Our neighbors took down 5 arborvitae that divided our property from theirs, the street, the view of the cross street, the snow block and . . . we don't want to see what goes on at their house.  We aren't those people.  Though hotly irritated at how everything was handled, M and I came to the conclusion that we needed to put up four fence sections to provide sanctuary once again.  That sanctuary comes with about 40-45' of space ripe for a new garden.  While I am planning on planting a mural on the fence, I have been acquiring plants to place once the mural is done.

Perennials aren't cheap, y'all.

In years past, I have been able to score many clearance delights at Lowe's.  Such was the case yesterday.  Another customer and I circled the newly stocked clearance delights, checking for height, color, perennial vs. annual, price . . . Once I sorted through, I took my selections to one of the nursery registers.

"Oh, I am new.  I don't know if you want me."

"We'll train you.  It's all good.  We can work on this together."

We worked through, made mistakes (one at my suggestion ringing up a $10,000 error) but I encouraged her to press on.  No one was behind me and she needed some gentle love.

A gentleman (I will use that term loosely) and his wife were at the opposite register.  After hearing my tell the cashier that every single thing on my cart was clearance priced, the man blows his top.  "You mean to tell me that I have the EXACT SAME THING THAT I AM PAYING $14.98 FOR AND SHE IS GETTING IT ON CLEARANCE?"

His cashier was shocked.  He was so very rude.

"Sir, there are several racks of clearance plants," I said, "If you go down that way, I believe one of these planters might still be left."

He continued on with his fit throwing.  He wanted his purchase to be clearanced, too.  For whatever it is worth, his planter was a different color than mine and mine needed a lil wilty parts trimmed away.  Mine was not a pristine planter, but it'll fill out and be fine.  I couldn't take his fit throwing any longer.  His wife was standing by just silent.

"Sir, the fact here is that you have shopped poorly.  You could have chosen off of the clearance racks, but you didn't.  That is the difference in price."

He was already yelling that he wasn't buying anything from them, he was going to Ace Hardware and giving them his money.  His wife trailed on behind him.

"Have a wonderful day," I added.  "I hope that you find happiness today!"

The cashiers laughed.  I said what they couldn't.  Apparently, people yell at them and throw things at them all day long.

Unacceptable.

The woman who was in training thanked me again and again for being kind.

"Ma'am, I work retail.  I get it."

Be kind to the people behind the counters.  Consider them for just a minute.  Would you want to be treated in the same way that you are treating them?

Please don't stop writing thank you notes.

This was a photo that we used on some handcrafted thank you notes that K sent at the age of 4. 

I know that there are people celebrating the recent story about the "gift of no thank you cards."  How very little time it takes to write a thank you.  I have to say that it is probably far less effort for you to write a thank you than for what the person went through to choose your gift, wrap and present it to you.

Most people put a lot of thought and caring into the gifts that they give.  I know that in my house, we do.  Granted we miss the mark every now and then, but we look at the person and really try to choose something for them.

Our society has turned into quick, easy, dash in and dash out, e-mails, texts, Facebook and Twitter and how thoughtful it is to receive a handwritten note of thanks.  Not that much effort involved, but certainly very appreciated.

Please don't stop writing thank you notes.  I know that we won't.

Works for Me Wednesday: Adoption Process Tips

Everyone who stops in here pretty much knows that adoption is near and dear to our hearts. More specifically, we are advocates for domestic county adoption -- they are right in your backyard -- though adoption in general is just a wonderful thing.

Our adoption was through the county just south of us and what we did was Foster to Adopt. What that means is that when K- was born, the hospital reported her birth status to the county, they filed for temporary custody (emergency if memory serves) and she came to live with us. She was foster only at this time. Her first week with us was a flurry of caseworker visits (3 total) and a doctor's well visit. (Required to be done the first week a child is with you.) We had a hearing in mid-January that was optional for us to attend, but we were able to meet K-'s Guardian et Litem. The county was awarded temporary custody, then the move was to get permanent custody. Monthly, we had a few workers stop in to check on K-. We eventually gained permanent custody, despite the timing with the paperwork issue, then onward to adoptive status. Early on, we did have one worker give me a tip. I'm adding the others that we found particularly helpful.

1. Keep track of the birth mother via the public record. -- Every state (I think) has online access to the public record. This gives accounts of arrests, court dates and so forth. I would check the record a couple of times a week. If there was a new entry, I would e-mail our worker immediately.
2. Be seen often. -- An optional court date? Go. A review hearing that you don't have to attend if you don't want to? Go. Hubs and I were determined to have the county see our smiling faces as much as humanly possible.
3. Keep impeccable records. -- When we got K-, she was a day and a half old. Keeping records for her was easy, as I just kept an incredibly detailed baby calendar for her. She had a doctor's visit? I recorded it, for what reason, the measurements taken that day and if a follow-up was needed. All case worker visits were listed. Any milestones were recorded. Any new places or fun things we did were listed. She went to the voting booth with me that year (it was a presidential election) and I placed my voting sticker in there. They knew that we were very involved as a family, I had all kinds of memorabilia and whatnot. No questions asked. The worker was so excited when we were wrapping up our paperwork to move onto ADOPTIVE STATUS! that she actually copied the entire calendar so that she could show her clients.
4. Tackle paperwork like a life depends on it. -- Really, this statement is completely true. Our adoptive worker, the one who copied the calendar, commented that she could be to our house on Monday, give me a stack of papers 2" thick to fill out and she knew that it would be in her box by Wednesday. I pushed papers. My husband said that he was stunned with the intensity that I had when tackling the adoptive paperwork. The sooner I got it handled and back into their hands, the quicker we got through the system.
5. Put your big city girl boots on and talk to everyone that you need to at the county. -- Seriously. The county knew that I made no bones about calling or e-mailing. Usually, I would e-mail, as I knew that they had so many cases and that really, we were a cut and dry case. We had to go through the motions (K- was the 7th child, after all) because really they had it streamlined by the time K- came along. It still didn't mean that it didn't need to be handled. When our Guardian failed to turn paperwork in on time and K-'s permanent custody case was appealed (ARRRGGGHH!), I called the CSB attorney. I don't think that is typical for a parent, but he could see with what extreme seriousness we were taking our case. I spoke to department head to address the concerns that I had with the homestudy. Our homestudy was handed over to an independent contractor and she came, took the information and was lolly gagging on getting the report filled out. I complained and magically, the report appeared.
6. Keep all appointments. -- You only delay the process if you don't keep the scheduled visits and so forth. Sure, it can be a bit of a pain to have people traipsing in and out of your house all the time, but this is a part of it that you signed up for. Look at it this way, it is a built in house cleaning plan.
7. If you choose to call your child a name other than the given name, remember to call them by their birth name when official folks are present. -- K-'s name is not her birth name. There was no romantic reason for us to keep the birth name. We chose K-'s name for a few different reasons, but that didn't mean that we could call her that to the workers or in court. Sure, the first thing that the workers asked when they entered after K-'s arrival was "so, what are you naming her?" (Her birth name was very misspelled and a bit street, as my social worker friend told me.) The pediatrician that saw her the first time asked that, too. However, as much as the workers understand that you are changing the name, the courts like you to refer to the child by their legal name until adoptive status is reached. Then you can call name them mud, if you want!
8. Be extremely appreciative. -- Honestly, these folks are overworked and underpaid. If you are taking a child into your home, chances are that they are only visiting as a formality. Really, they look at your house as a place to hang out, take a deep breath and be glad that they don't have to worry about roaches, fleas or other creepy crawlies, abuse, neglect or other bizarre things. There were times that we found that it was more of a therapeutic dump session for them. During those times, I (it was mostly just me) got a little bit of a window into what their work was really like. It is because of all of these meetings that I'm as hyperspastic about K- as I am. (Hubs, too.)
9. Keep up to date on coursework. -- Don't try to crash all the required upkeep hours in a week. Take classes that seem interesting to you, not ones that you are taking just to log in the hours. Take it as an opportunity to learn. Take it as an opportunity to network with other parents. Give honest feedback. Help the county to know what worked and what didn't with the class. Really, most of the classes that we took were really good.

K-'s adoption day was exactly two days shy of her 1 year anniversary of being with us. Her adoption day? It fell on her very first birthday. I still get weepy just thinking about it.

Truly, I cannot say enough about how much adoption has touched our hearts. Whether it be private, county, domestic or international, know that the children who need homes didn't ask to be in their situation. They are little victims of circumstance. Their parents, for whatever reason, have been deemed as not the best guardian for them. Even if it is not your heart's calling to adopt, please pray for all of the children that need homes. There are so many children without parents, here and abroad, that the number is just shocking. They need moms. They need dads. They need love. Even if fostering is what you are interested in, a positive launching pad stays with a child for a lifetime. You may be the first positive reinforcement in their lives that they ever got. Though sometimes they may not say it at the time, believe me when I say that you will stay in their hearts forever. Fostering is a gift that makes my eyes well in tears. So many stories I heard of from folks who only fostered, fostered so many and were able to see children, otherwise broken and bruised physically and/or mentally, turn around and be productive and wonderful citizens. Please remember these children. They have been through so much.

Lovin' on Clark's

Once upon a time, I had a trip to take to Boston. K- was 2 at the time, we were going to be shuttling in and out of airports, one of which was Logan. Now, Logan Airport is unfortunately famous for having been the take off point of the 9/11 hijackers and right before we left on our trip, they were busted for someone having come up the steps from the tarmac and right into the airport. So not good. So, I knew that they (the Logan Airport security people) would be finicky about security and the whole shoe thing. I also knew that taking shoes on and off at the airport with a fidgety 2 year old was going to be a little dicey. I decided to throw caution to the wind and buy a pair of flip flops. Prior to, I was not at all a flip flop wearer. Seriously, I thought of them not as footwear, but shower shoes.

Then I fell in love. I bought these:

I have so much love for these flip flops. They have a fabric thingy between your toes, a substantial sole and an arch! I've had mine now for 3 years, keep them mink oiled and they are as comfortable as the day I bought them. I'm always relieved when I see that they haven't discontinued them. In fact, I've thought that I should buy an extra pair and put them up. I'll be lost without my Clark's flip flops when they die one day. Oh, but don't think that is anytime soon! There are thousands of more miles left on my current flip flops.

I've had the itch to buy a pair of shoes lately. A couple of years ago, I purchased a pair of Skechers (black, but not patent leather like in the picture) and found them so darned uncomfortable that they've just sat in my closet. Work is a closed toe shoe work environment only. Apparently, someone dropped something on their foot once that required stitches. So, I wear a lot of Birkenstocks. Birks look good with pants, but they can look a little hunky-clunky with my little dresses.

So K- and I were out today with my long time best friend, April. We almost always take a trip to DSW to try on far too many shoes. We even try the ones on that we know we would never buy. Then I found these: I wear little summer dresses to work. These qualify as legal footwear, they are comfy and my guess would be comfy enough to stand in for 8 hours and they are cute! I bought them online, rather than in the store, because I knew that I had a $10.00 off $50.00 purchase e-mail from DSW and found that when I went to order, they also had free shipping on $29.00 and up. We've ordered Hubs' running shoes through DSW.com several times and were very happy with their service.

Hooray for a kicky new pair of shoes! Hooray that I found something that I like and I actually bought them. I always feel bad about spending money on myself and since my ACL reconstruction, I can't wear cheapie shoes anymore. But! I can't wait for these to arrive! :) Eeeee!

Tales from the Trenches: I have a friend with MS.

I received an e-mail the other day from my friend, Cj. She has Exacerbating-Remitting MS. (Correct me if I'm wrong, Cj.) Thank goodness she has only had one full on exacerbation, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't tackle MS issues daily. She's had to be on steroid therapy to pull her through near-misses with exacerbation-type bouts.

My friend has gone to stores, used her handicap placard and has come back to either notes on her car, people yelling or the mobility bus driver asking her about her parking in a handicap space. How dare they judge. Do they walk in her shoes? (I'm afraid that my mother-in-law, who suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis, worries about the same treatment. She generally doesn't park in handicapped, but really always should.)

Cj is the walking wounded.

I've seen her fall flat on her face.

I've been around when her bowels decided to defy her.

I've seen her when her dog bit her and she had to go to surgery to open up and clean out the wound or she would lose her arm and possibly die.

I've been to the Philadelphia Buyer's Market with her and seen her wobble down the aisle as if she was drunk, but she was just truly tired and looking for that booth that might have a little chocolate treat at the end of the their display.

I've been with her when we had to catch a cab in Baltimore to go two blocks.

I talked with her quite a bit when she got out of the hospital because of a bad reaction to Betaseron. (She lives an hour and a half south of me.) It pocketed under her muscle, only to make the top of her leg explode in an infectious ooze causing her partner (who is hospital phobic) to fight his way out of their long country driveway that was covered in snow and big ruts and get her to the hospital-- stat.

She has slipped and fallen in the shower, breaking her hand.

She is currently nursing a twisted knee.

Here is the e-mail that she sent to me. She didn't write it. Please consider these things the next time you encounter someone who might need a little extra smile.

**I thought I would share this because I don't think I've ever seen it penned so eloquently... Just skim it and you'll get a sense of the frustrations sometimes faced... Thank you, my friend! xoxoxo Cj

This came from Myspace, The Elaine Chapin Scholarship Fund. Elaine (the writer) passed away in Nov. 2008 from MS complications and I thought I would share this.

"Having MS means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about MS and it's effects on us; and many of those who think they do know are actually misinformed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand... These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me:

Please understand that being sick does not mean I'm no longer a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion and if you visit I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about school, and work, and my family and friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours too.

Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it for a week or two, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time, in fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy, that's all. It doesn't mean that I'm still not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things.

Please, don't say "Oh, you are sounding better!" I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you are welcome to. Please understand that being able to stand for 10 minutes doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand for 20 minutes or an hour. Just because I was able to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn't mean I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases and disorders one is either paralyzed, or they can move. With MS it's far more confusing: one hour or day or week or year we may have normal - or almost normal - mobility; the next hour or day or week or year we may be unable to sit, stand, walk, think, remember, or even get out of bed, we may be unsociable or depressed, and almost assuredly we are in pain. We have good days and bad, and during our good days we may truly not "look sick", but we are. Please understand that making plans other than immediate ones is a crap shoot at best, because we can't know how we will feel or what our physical, mental or emotional condition will be. If we seem to hedge about making plans with you, please understand it's because we truly don't know if we will be able to honor them. The same applies if we have to cancel plans previously made or invitations, even at the last minute - it is not personal, and it makes us as frustrated and sad as it does you! That is what MS does to us, and it's how we must live our lives. It is not just a matter of sucking it in, or bucking up, or psyching ourselves up; believe me if we could, we would!

Please understand that MS is variable - with each person and from person to person. It is quite possible and often all too common, that one day I can walk to the park and back, or bicycle 2-4 miles, or swim 12 laps, or even run with my dog; while the next day I may have great difficulty getting out of bed, walking to the kitchen, or be unable to walk at all without a cane, walker or other mobility aid.

Please don't attack me when I can't do today what I did before by saying "but you did it yesterday!" or "you did it before!" Your frustration can not begin to compare to our own frustration. The very act of planning while not knowing what condition we will be in is stressful and tiring in itself. If you want me to do something with you, or go someplace with you... ASK if I can. I may well dearly want to go, but simply be physically unable to do so. Understand if I have to say no today, but please ask me again soon.

Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better and can often make me seriously worse. Telling me that I need a treadmill, or that I just need to lose (or gain) weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes, take these vitamins, herbs, tonics and snake-oil cures will frustrate me to tears and is totally incorrect. If I was capable of doing things, don't you think I would? And when I am capable, I DO! I work with my doctors and physical therapists and follow the exercise and diet plans they prescribe.

Another statement that hurts: "You just need to push yourself more..." Obviously, MS directly impacts muscles and ours do not regenerate as quickly as yours do. Pushing ourselves beyond comfortable physical limits can be dangerous and cause a severe relapse. On the other hand, doing what we can when we can is excellent therapy both physically and mentally... and we do! If I work at a part-time job for 4 hours one day, my fatigue level is greater than yours if you worked a 12 hour day. Many days I can still do anything I ever did as well as I ever did .... but only one thing per day or week or month. Everything drains us and exhausts us exponentially more than a normal, healthy person our age (whatever age that is); our recovery time is also exponentially greater. If I go to a party or dinner and show tonight for several hours and have a wonderful time, I do so knowing with 99% certainty that tomorrow I will need all day to rest and recover, much of it spent lying down. MS causes secondary depression in and of itself; our depression may escalate when dealing with days on end of constant pain and limited mobility or cognitive function. We are NOT tired because we are depressed! We are depressed because we are so tired.

When I say I can't do something because I am so fatigued, please don't say "Oh I know what you mean! I am worn out too, but..." because you don't. MS fatigue is not like any tiredness you have ever experienced, nor has anyone who does not have MS or other fatigue-producing disorder. I know you mean well, but it's irritating to hear because it tells me you don't understand me or my MS at all. I may well be just plain tired - we get normally tired during remission phases just as any normal person does - but trust me: we know the difference, and it's huge.

When we are together, please understand when I say I have to sit down, lie down, get a drink, take these pills, or get into a cool place that I have to do it and do it now! No, I can't walk another 5 blocks to the car, or walk back down the hill I just climbed up. Don't baby me, don't hover over me, don't do things for me unless I ask - we are very proud and never want to be a burden. Our independence, or what we can retain of it, is of paramount importance to us!

Please help by listening to and believing what we say we need and act upon it accordingly and as quickly as possible. You wouldn't question a known diabetics request for orange juice or insulin, so please don't question us or urge us to 'keep on... we are almost there!' Not unless you are prepared to a) carry us the rest of the way or b) call 911. MS does not wait, nor does it forgive... when we say "please ... now!" it means now.

If you want to suggest a cure to me, don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because I have had almost every single one of my family and friends suggest something at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured, or even markedly helped, all forms of MS the world would know about it. If you still insist on promoting 'cures' to me or giving me 'this will make you better' advice, do so; but understand I won't rush out and try it though I may well continue to research it on my own and discuss those findings with my doctors.

In many ways I depend on you... people who are not sick... I need you to visit with me when I am unable to go out; sometimes I may need you to help me with shopping, cooking or cleaning; sometimes I may even need you to do those things for me. I may need you to go with me to my doctor appointments to help me remember and understand their direction, or I may just need a ride. I need you on so many different levels... as much as possible, treat me as normally as possible, enjoy me and allow me to enjoy you as much as possible, and.... as much as it's possible... I need you to understand me."