Tales from the Trenches: Ideas one might consider when functioning in public.

1.  When you have a cramp in your foot and you decide to take your shoe off in an art gallery, you may want to avoid re-enacting the scene from Planes, Trains and Automobiles where John Candy announces that,  "The dogs are really barking tonight."  Don't worry.  After she stopped waving her shoe around in the air, I asked that she put it back on because it is unsafe to walk through the gallery without shoes on.  There could be glass or pins or, God forbid, a bare foot walking around.

2.  It's always fun when someone has insisted on being all self-service, drop an art made piece and either display it back on the shelves making us look like we're selling inferior merchandise or, my personal favorite, hiding it.  It's like our version of Where's Waldo?

3.  When your child has a "po*o*py diaper" and you announce it through the store (though the scent is announcement enough), you might want to consider the carry in-carry out rule that several state parks have.  Changing said diaper in a small, one seater, equal to your home 1/2 bath if you live in an old house 1/2 bath, is fine.  When leaving said biohazard in the trash, it stinks up the whole joint.  We're not talking just the bathroom, but it makes the WHOLE joint smell bad.

4.  When you keep asking a chick with a broken foot to come back and get things out of a case for you, they may get a little irritated on the 10th trip because you had no ability to make up your mind and even then, you announced that you'd be back next month and we won't be surprised to see that very same pair of earrings come back.

5.  Mind your children.  Really.  When you buy them something and they rip it from the package, could you hand me the package pieces to throw away.  Littering a Goldie Locks path (ETA: Hansel and Gretel) out the door with bits of plastic and paper isn't something necessary.  We're pretty close to the parking lot.  I don't think you'll have a problem finding how to get back in again.

6.  Don't be offended by being asked if you want a gift receipt.  I know you think that the flaming pink flamingo earrings are a perfect fit for everyone, but not everyone will embrace them.  I know it is a shock, but people do return things.  They might even return the perfect gifts that you've given.  Shocking, I know.

7.  I know that I've said this before, but when you wear enough perfume to choke a clydsedale, you may want to consider toning it down a bit.  When we still smell your perfume in the gallery two hours after you have left, that is going beyond having a personal scent.  Consider a few things.  First, perfume does have a shelf date.  It can go bad.  Believe me.  Secondly, there are people who like to breathe.  I'm just saying.  Breathing is good.

8.  If the toilet paper is low and you notice it, I realize that it isn't your job to tell me.  However, there are occasions that we check in the morning, we are well stocked and bless the people and their many bathrooming needs.  Just let us know if we need to do some tending.  Again, a sensitive matter that people don't like to do and I'm not mad about it (or anything else listed here-- irritated, maybe), but think of your fellow shoppers.  There's no next door stall to knock on to see if they can spare a square.  Bummer, dude.

9.  Step away from your phone.

10. Buckeyes are not chestnuts.  Pick all you want but NO, you cannot eat them.  I understand critters eat them, but don't. eat. the. buckeyes.

11. I'm happy to throw your cup away.  You needn't display it on the shelf with the other art.  No, really.  You may be famous one day, but until then, no one is considering purchasing your used beverage cup. 

12. We know that we write slips by hand and that our credit card system is analog and goes slower than the Pony Express.  However, as charming as you may find that it isn't, I can't do anything about it.  We aren't going computerized.  Think of it as small business charm.  Besides, if you asked to have a $1.50 ornament wrapped at Target, they would think that you are crazy.  We may think that it is crazy to wrap the $1.50 ornament, but at least we'll do it.  See?  A nice trade, eh?

13. I know that it is particularly difficult, but do your best to park between the lines.  They are yellow and bright and you don't need to double park your car in the front lot that holds all of 10 cars.  If you feel the need to double park your car, you can park it on the street where no one can park next to it. 

14. If you are an artist with an appointment to show your items, don't just show up any ole day and think that it is okay.  Art school 101 tells you that you need to 1.  make an appointment and not just drop by and that 2. keep said appointment.  Not everyone who was going to meet with you is on schedule or available for your drop-in time. 

15. If you are an artist who crafts things specifically for children, don't be offended by my asking about the tiny little buttons that you have on your items or lead standards for your pieces.  You are embellishing commercially made items with tiny buttons with no okay for lead.  Telling me that the buttons are antique and that that you assume that "since you bought the things in the store that they must be okay," isn't good enough.  They sell things chalked full of lead or cadmium all the time.  I stopped selling my items because of CPSIA guidelines. Though I talked to manufacturers about lack of lead and so forth, I couldn't be positive that the store hadn't sold me old lead-laden stock.  To avoid being sued, I stopped selling my work all together.  Keep in mind that I bring up the tiny little buttons on your items as a choking hazard because it isn't good to hand things off to babies that they may chew off, no matter how well they are sewn on.  (Follow the toilet paper tube rule.)  I know that your small child is probably not an eater and mine wasn't either, but there are plenty of them out there.  There are also standards.  That is why I'm not dogging on your work, I'm just not trying to kill a kid with it. 

The end.