Thursday, September 24, 2009

A Heavy Weight.

You know those days when something weighs heavily on you and you have conversations with yourself?

I'm there.

My brother is my weight right now. It is a story of unfortunate choices and better choices. My brother was addicted to her*oin for years. Long story short, he kicked the habit over 3 years ago. He actually detoxed himself (beginning here at our house and then on his own with my sister, mom and me tailing him pretty close.)

Folks, he fell into drugs again. It makes my heart beyond sad. My in-law's told me it would happen. I swore to them to their faces that they were wrong.

My brother promised me.

He hasn't called me. What I know is secondhand from my mom. Apparently he is at my sister's, detoxing from Ox*ycon*tin. He has been rolling with this since June, which would explain his absence from my life all summer long. I mean, he and his family practically lived here last summer. We joked because my nephew liked to come over for the "cold heat." (A/C) I missed him. When I went to his house, I was basically shooed away. Stupid, dumb me thought he was mad at me. I admit that it didn't enter my mind that he was back at it. How's that for a lesson in self-centeredness? [slamming thunk to the forehead]

How much of an idiot do I have to be?

He was avoiding my mom, too. The final straw for me was when I stopped by to drop some school supplies off for the kids, knocked on the door, heard that people knew I was there and did not answer the door. (They were having a conversation about me by name.) I left. My mom asked why I didn't just go in. It wasn't my house. I wasn't invited in and I knew not to go.

So goes the Charlie Brown moment of ARRRRGGGGHHHH!

So, my brother is making better choices for himself right now. He knows that he was involved-- again-- and sees it as a problem. Again, I'm waiting for him to come to me. He views me as worse than mom. He knows that I'll cry. You know what? He's right.

Pray for me that I have constructive, loving and supportive words. I'm so disappointed that I don't even know what I'd say.

Edited to add:
The doctor's office called. Culture came back. K- did NOT have a UTI, she had a viral stomach funk. She's past it now and all is well.


GERBEN said...

I'm sorry to hear about your brother hun. ((hug)) My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I know and understand how hard addiction can be on everyone involved.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. Hang in there. I can talk anytime you want.

An Aquarian Mind said...

That really stinks. It's often harder on the family than it is on the one who is addicted to cope. Hopefully he will get clean and STAY clean.

I'm really sorry that he has fallen back into old habits and you'll be in my thoughts as you handle this.


Michelle said...

I'm so, so sorry for what your family is going through...sending prayers...

ChupieandJ'smama said...

You know we have this same issue in our family and our her*ione addict is off the wagon again too. I'm so sorry and saying many, many prayers for your brother. Ours detoxed himself too and it's just my opinion but I think after detox a program needs to be implemented and some meetings need to be attended to help them remember what road they need to keep traveling. And even then, sobriety is a tough road to follow. But without support I think failure is inevitable. Plus ours doesn't live the lifestyle he should even when he IS clean and sober. He surrounds himself with people and things that don't make staying clean a priority.
HUGS PRAYERS and much understanding.