I'm normally a fairly positive person, but lately I've noticed that negativity has been pouring from my mouth.
I'm not happy with this.
Oh, it's a little nit-pick here, a nit-pick there. Just general crankiness about really trivial stuff. This habit has come more to light over this past week when one of my co-workers were called out on negative speak. Again, nothing major, but a little bit seems to ooze. She was talking to me about it, called something I said to my attention (with no offense, but just calling attention to it so that I wouldn't have issue with people) and it got me to thinking. How the heck did I get this way?
I've come up with a list of possible triggers. Notice that I'm not giving reasons, but triggers. I'd just like to get back to my sunshiny self. I'm not trying to defend bad behavior or negative speak.
1. I have not been sleeping as well as I used to. -- When Hubs has sleeping issues, I have sleeping issues. When K- has sleeping issues, I have sleeping issues. When there are family issues, I have sleeping issues. I internalize, then I lay awake in the middle of the night praying about things. Oh, the direct line to God is good and all, but if I could get my talking to done with Him before 3 AM, that would be super.
2. April and May are dreadful for any park naturalist. -- This is the final push for school programs. There is also the frog and toad survey that keeps Hubs up and out until after 11 PM traipsing through people's yards counting the frogs that they have. This makes Hubs tired, but wired and he can't sleep. He can't sleep, I can't sleep. See trigger #1.
3. The economy. -- For several months, out-going funds and incoming funds differed by sometimes as much as $800.00 per month. I was watching the cash in our savings plummet. We were still fine, but not as fine as we like to be. About 1/2 of what we wanted to be, actually. We've resolved that by completely banking the income tax check, K- isn't in preschool anymore, so that tuition is being banked, utility costs have gone down, we still stick to lumping a bunch of trips into one and we're just generally being mindful of our spending. We've been successful in pulling the account back around and we're trying to bank more money now to try to offset the dip we might have in the winter.
Which brings me to another point on #3. I haven't had a raise in 3 years. Hubs got a minimal raise this year (county government for parks doesn't generally give huge raises), but we were told that they will NOT be getting raises this next year. It is wonderful to have a raise, but good to be warned. They apologized profusely, but they have a raise freeze next year for the county that Hubs works for, so we certainly know that they have to follow suit. Only seems fair.
In addition, my bosses have always been wonderful in giving us a bonus each year. That bonus two years ago + money that I saved up completely paid K-'s preschool tuition in full at the beginning of the year. I didn't have that cushion this past year and the bonus only paid for one month of tuition and not the 4 or so that I was hoping for. Still very thankful, as I was surprised that we got anything at all.
The economy in general have made customers want more for less-- oh like me. They've even said this past week that it is as much or sometimes more work to sell a $30.00 item than it is to sell a $300.00 item.
5. When you are around folks that tend to spew negative, it rubs off on you. -- 'Nuff said.
6. I love my brother, but I've had to pull back from bailing him out. -- Yes, cost wise is a concern, but he has rested on enabling behavior and I refuse to do it anymore. I was pulling back before, but the turn of the new year clinched it. He needs to keep his appointments, continue to take his medications, provide for his family and GET A FREAKIN' JOB, please.
7. Road rage. -- People can't let you in. They don't want to let you out. They don't want to be nice.
8. Store attitudes. -- People are cranky there, too.
9. I worry that I'm not teaching K- enough or do enough with her. -- Don't you always feel not good enough in some way as a mom?
10. One of my biggest fears is cancer and every newspaper and magazine that I read seems like there are 12 major stories about this. I end up thinking about this, having a pain in the very spot that I was reading about and remain awake and worry about it. Hypochondriac? Um, yes.
11. Allergies have been dreadful this year, and I had a major battle for a month and a half.
Again, these are triggers, not excuses. In effort to spin myself to a sunshinier side of life, I'm going to do something that my internet friend, Rachael does. I'm going to end my post with some good stuff from my day. She calls them "Sparklies" but I'll call mine "Smiles in my day." This way, I will be thinking of and being thankful for good things.
Smiles in my day:
1. We attended a family graduation party today for Hubs' cousin. Though I'll be writing about this on Thursday, we had a lovely time and K- was very good!
2. There is a couple at church that have adopted K- as a pseudo grandkid that she makes treats and cookies for. They made M & M cookies for K- and chocolate covered cherries for me. I'm sharing my cherries with my mother-in-law and the folks at work.
3. My father-in-law has lost 8 pounds! I'm so proud of him!
4. My brother and his family stayed at my sister's house last night until about 9:30 PM. It was nice for them to get out and have a good time. (There was a birthday party-- part of Thursday post-- and they just stayed on.)
5. K-'s graduation picture came in today. So cute! So glad we ordered it since she decided to fly down the aisle to catch up with her friend! She moved so fast we didn't catch her!
6. The sermon today got me thinking about my negativity thing. The message made a positive impact on me and got me moving to make a positive change.